Life

Life Lately

Lost and Confused Signpost

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1-11. 

Life happens in seasons. Good seasons. Bad Seasons. Growth Seasons. I am currently languishing in a bad season. A season where I’ve become exhausted with worry. There are days when I can see the flicker of hope at the end of the tunnel, and then there are other days when darkness seems to stretch on forever. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long, long time. The last time I felt like this was in my sophomore and junior year of high school when I went through a really weird depressive period where I was so sad and couldn’t articulate why. I just felt sad. I never went to counseling or sought help. I mostly battled myself internally. Somehow, I came out on the other side.

Dan graduated with his MBA this past Saturday from one of the best schools in the country. I am so deeply proud of what he’s accomplished. The bad part is that he graduated without a job and after being shot down from nearly all of his dream firms. I’ve run out of ways to help him and to be encouraging.  I’ve already cried for his rejections because I know that feeling so well. I hate to see the one person I care most about in this world go through the same. We’re staring down the barrel of heavy loan debt, and I have to work hard at staving off resentment at a pretty scary situation. I’ve grown weary, and I am so ready for this to be behind us.

And then there’s work….my boss resigned effective Friday and with it he takes 15 years of institutional knowledge. We have several strong people in my office, but everything feels like it’s been turned inside out and upside down. The dynamic has changed slightly. We’re running around trying to get our bearings. I’m tired and stressed, and I feel a host of other emotions.

I also learned a few weeks ago that my grandpa (my mom’s mom) was diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer and has been in a lot of pain for awhile. Cancer is such an ugly thing – how it tears people apart and creates indescribable suffering and pain. My parents are currently going and back and forth between my mom’s childhood home and their RV to take care of of my grandpa. My grandma will need lots of care as well after my grandpa passes. My mom and her brother and sister have been able to split time up between them, taking turns caring for my grandparents. Despite the heartache, a pretty cool thing has emerged from this tragedy – after over a decade, my mom has been able to spend time with her entire family. My uncle battles depression daily, and a little over 10 years ago he was laid off from his job and spiraled out of control. There were days and weeks of frantic phone calls and unannounced visits to make sure he was okay. Then slowly, unreciprocated calls and visits turned to silence. My uncle was my friend, and I was completely heartbroken and worried for him. He’s come out from under the darkness to spend time with family, and I might even get to talk to him. This is a miracle, my friends. My grandpa has a lot of faith in God too – it’s always so cool to see hope flicker in situations that feel hopeless.

I actually had a moment last week where I threw up my hands and yelled, “God, what do you want from me!?” I don’t do well with feeling helpless. In these seasons, I am so thankful for mom. I know God speaks to me through her. She’s been here. She’s done this. She’s struggled. She’s had no money. She’s taken risks. She’s the strongest person I know. When she tells me it’s going to be okay, I believe her.

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