Uncertainty is scary, and feeling like I’m out of control is far worse. They are more or less the same thing, but I separate the two because, somehow, uncertainty is bearable if I can still sort of see where I’m going but it’s without the guarantee that I’ll ever reach it. Every day is uncertain, and we’re never absolutely sure what tomorrow will bring.
Feeling like I’m out of control comes into play when I can’t see my plans unfold in the exact way I had laid out in my head. It’s like someone has their hands over my eyes, and I’m screaming for them to take them off.
Feeling like I’m out of control is like everything going wrong one after another without a moment to breathe. The world around me crumbles, and there is nothing to hold onto.
Feeling like I’m out of control is unbearable. It is a feeling I’ve fought since I was young, but God is helping me through it. When my life starts spinning off the map I meticulously put together I have to remind myself that I am never in control. Being in control is merely an illusion from our imperfect human perspective, but the real control is in the hands of someone far more capable – God. “There lies a faith in the absence of control.” I have faith in an all-knowing, omnipotent God who has promised me that all things will work for the good of those who love him. I’m learning to let go of the facade of control and rest in His promises and His love.
This month marks one year since I agreed to allow my husband to quit his job to go back to school full-time so that he could have a turn at chasing his dreams. He graduates in June, and things aren’t going quite as he planned. Yet, I find myself encouraging him gently and reminding him that everything will be OK. I know that is God working through me. If it were me alone I’d probably panic and give in to his feelings of concern and worry. Every now and then I feel those feelings bubble to the surface, and then I pray. My husband has these huge dreams, and I am doing everything I can to be supportive, but I have to draw lines too.
When he came back from California, we discussed what areas he could apply to for jobs at graduation. My heart ached, but I originally said he could put feelers out in San Francisco (it really is beautiful out there) but that I really wanted to stay in Chicago. I prayed about the prospect of leaving, and my heart sank. Chicago is home. I’ve lived in various parts of the U.S. but no other place has quite felt like Chicago. I want to go where God wants me to go, but after prayer everything inside said no. I went back to Dan and explained my feelings, to which he sweetly said, “you are far more important then any job.” How sweet, right? That’s what 12 years of being together will do to a couple. I know things will work out for Dan. They may not work out in the way he has mapped out in his head, but I know God will bring us through the hardships because I believe in Jesus, and I believe all the promises he gave to us.
So, with that, we’ve decided to stay in this amazing city that I call home with the hope that Dan finds a position that is both rewarding and challenging and will give him a chance to show off all the potential I know he has. And I’m slowly letting go of myself and embracing more of God.