I don’t think I’m ever going to feel “ready” for children. But, does anyone really ever feel 100% ready? My excuses have changed quite a bit over the years but my prevailing reason for holding back is just that I’m not ready for that kind of change. Not to mention the whole prospect of child birth and child rearing terrifies me. I’m a huge hospital-phobe, and the idea of having to go to a doctor’s office makes my stomach sink. I’ve entertained the idea of a home birth just so I can get away from the hospital environment. Children also change relationships and lives drastically. Dan and I have been together long enough to where I think our relationship can handle an abrupt change and lots of learning, but that’s not my main concern. My concern revolves around my independence, my desire to experience different states and countries, my career-focused mentality, and my love of living life simply–just my husband and I. Outside of these concerns, I also worry about the impact of and our ability to raise a child with a disability, or how we’d handle a tragic accident, or you know…just generally learning how to live with my heart outside of my body. I worry enough as it is. I also think about how Dan and I will raise our children. How independent do we want our children to be? How will we handle differences? What happens if we have a child that is difficult? Children are not born with manuals though. I wish they were.
I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom either. Props to all the stay-at-home moms out there, but I could not do it beyond the time I get from work for maternity leave. I’d feel so guilty leaving behind the career I worked so hard to achieve. I enjoy contributing financially to my family, and I think it’s incredibly important for women to know how to handle themselves in the working world in case something were to happen to the husband. On the other side of these feelings, I also hate the idea of putting my children in day care. If I know myself, I’d obsess over their care. Day care can also be extremely expensive, but what’s a working mom to do? I guess my stance on this issue comes from watching my own mother work for our family. My mom has always worked but when my parents divorced I noticed my mom was gone a lot more. My mom was virtually a single mom raising two kids. I admire her deeply for that.
I do want children, but I have no idea when. Dan and I keep saying “in a couple of years.” I know it’s going to take me at least another year or two to get comfortable in my career, and there’s no telling what changes may happen along the way. I have yet to experience that deep desire to have children. I love children, and I love thinking about the idea that Dan and I’s love might culminate in a new baby one of these days or perhaps we’ll channel it into the adoption of a child. Regardless, one day we’ll have kids, and when we do, they will be loved deeply.