If you whittle life down to the very basics you’ll see that life is one huge string of choices. We make choices on a daily basis. These choices determine everything from what we’ve eaten for breakfast to how words are phrased as they leave our lips. Our choices obviously have a profound impact on our relationships and they slowly meld our lives into the current state they are in. As I’ve grown older I’ve realized that my choices can be ill-thought out, but when I reach a level of self-described desperation, whether it be in the heat of the moment in a social situation or during an overwhelming work situation (or anything in between for that matter), I seem to ignore all the reasoning skills I’ve developed. It makes sense to attribute this to my overly-sensitive and highly emotional character.
My worst choices are made when I find myself in a disagreement with another person. I’m so passionate about the things I believe in and my perspectives on a wide range of subjects. Depending on the topic of discussion it can take an act of God to keep my tears and screaming at bay. I’m not the confrontational type, and I have a difficult time holding my own in an argument (outside of the legal realm of course because I have so much time to prepare for these situations). I’m trying to train myself to just walk away if I feel myself start to boil internally, but that also doesn’t fix the matter at hand–at some point the topic of discussion needs to be dealt with accordingly. Many times I wish I could slow things down so I can think clearly but as we all know life doesn’t slow down for anyone. I can also be the queen of over-analyzing and over-thinking a decision, shredding to pieces every single viewpoint and conjuring up the most ridiculous outcomes in my head after everything is said and done. Some of my wonderful friends have been there when I’ve hit rock bottom in the pool of my thoughts, but my mom has been there for all of them. I can’t even imagine the amount of time she’s spent on the phone with me calming me down or listening as I provide a detailed analysis of each side of some decision I’ve made in my life.
As Sylvia Plath has so eloquently put it: is there no way out of the mind? I’m an incessant worrier. I exacerbate situations daily until they expand so far past reality that I can’t even see straight. I care so deeply about everything and everyone that I lose myself daily–always willing to compromise more than I should to make someone else happy. I have a terrible habit of obsessing over my life decisions–most of which are really outside of my control. Life is rough for me because I’m the complete opposite of the typical go-with-the-flow person, and I make an enormous deal out of so many of my life decisions. I wonder if I am the way I am because I’m subconsciously striving for some type of perfection that simply doesn’t exist.
The point of this whole post is to paint you a picture of my thought process so you can at least get a glimmer of what I’m going through when I tell you that my life is currently completely overwhelming. I can slap on a smile, but I’m ravaged emotionally. There have been so many changes in the last 4 months that I’m finding it incredibly difficult to catch my breath and strengthen my grip to what’s going on around me.