According to a recent article I read online a couple days ago, highly sensitive people are more aware than others of subtleties because the brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. The highly sensitive person is also more easily overwhelmed, which is a natural result from noticing everything and usually occurs after the brain experiences things that are too intense, complex, chaotic or novel for a long time. (source: http://www.hsperson.com). For a long time I wondered why it was so easy for me to just cry at the drop of a dime irregardless of whether I was in a crowded room or alone in my room. I was convinced that I was broken because I felt like every emotion erupted into a raw intensity I didn’t know how to deal with. Turns out, I more or less fit under the description of the “highly sensitive person.”
It’s not just sadness, but also happiness, worry, compassion, etc. I fully feel every motion as they come in waves. There’s never any “half-feelings,” its always the entire spectrum of whatever emotion it is. I guess you could call it being deeply in-tuned with my sense of self, but it makes me crazy most of the time. It’s exhausting and at times debilitating. I’d like to just shut off my emotions for a day so I don’t have to feel anything. Yes, my one wish is to feel absolutely nothing for just one whole day. It’s not enough to be numb, because to me, that is a feeling too. A feeling of emptiness and withdrawal. Because I’m a highly sensitive soul, it’s easy for people to hurt my feelings, and it amplifies how I feel about myself on a daily basis.
Lucky for me, I’ve learned how to control my feelings for the most part, and my choice of professions have had a lot to do with that. I’ve always worked in fast-paced, stressful environments that forced me to keep my emotions in check. But my feelings still consistently entangle me in webs that I can’t escape. I’ve noticed more and more that I dwell on particular emotions and stretch the boundaries inside of them. I always think before I act on my emotions, but they are not always rational or crystal clear thoughts. I wonder if I’ll ever learn that this is usually at a detriment to me.
The worst emotion by far for me is self-doubt and just second guessing all kinds of things in my life. These feelings pretty much wreck havoc on everything. My coping method of choice is talking, and I find that it helps a lot of the time, but not always. I am told on many occasions by those that know me well that I am way too hard on myself. I put an exorbitant amount of pressure on myself attempting to make everyone around me happy and usually forgetting about me. I like to think that I’m strong enough on the inside to walk away when I realize I’m just giving too much without anything in return. But, it’s bollocks. I care too much about other people. I care too much just in general. It is very difficult for me to walk away. It’s such an awful character trait that I wish I could change. I wish I was more laid back and less emotionally self-destructive sometimes. Maybe one day I’ll be able to strike some kind of balance.