Now that I’ve been out of law school for a couple of weeks I’ve been able to focus all my energy on myself, on regenerating, on renewing. I don’t realize how much I neglect myself when I’m in law school until it all comes to an end and the emotional high that law school puts me on slowly fades–I literately spend almost every waking second immersed in school and everything else is but a blur in the background. How do my friends and family put up with me? It must be the drive that I don’t know how to temper, or it could be the motivation that never waivers, or it could simply be the goal that I have always kept in the back of my mind–to be the absolute best that I can possibly be. Whatever it is; sometimes it is incredibly unhealthy because I don’t know how to control it.
But when it is all said and done, what I’m left with is an empty shell of who I was before school started. All that energy and vitality gone. Lack of sleep, worry-induced study binges, needing a drink or two to relax and weird eating habits can really make someone go numb after awhile. I told myself I wouldn’t let law school run my life, but I’m pretty sure I’ve let it do just that. This time I think I really ran myself into the ground, and coming back out of it has been a little bit more difficult then it usually is–instead of merely catching up with sleep, seeing my family and hanging out with friends, I’ve been floating in and out of mixed emotions, conflicting feelings, uncertainty, things that I haven’t felt in years. These are high school feelings–unsure of who you are, trying to figure life out, find purpose. The numbness of law school and my daily routine wore off while my own neglected spirit bubbled to the surface. Maybe these feelings have always been there? Have I just chosen to suppress them? Perhaps, but I need to face them head on instead of continually running away from them. The feelings don’t involve law school or my chosen career path, or so I think, but just about myself personally. It’s amazing how just a couple weeks of completely letting loose, and letting my guard down can make someone feel like things need to be reassessed, reevaluated, nurtured. As odd as all of this is–I’m thankful for the chance to pull myself up and out of the water without the weight of school on my shoulders right now.
It’s exhausting, you know, running a million miles a minute–all the time. I have always been that person who never has enough “me” time, who would be there for any of my friends at the drop of a dime, who just doesn’t know how to deal sometimes. I spend so much time worrying about other people, and making other people happy that I tend to lose myself in all of it. I need to learn to put myself first. I also can’t verbally express myself for the life of me–writing is my hero. It may seem cliché, but I believe that things happen for a reason, that people walk in (and out) of your life for a reason. I absolutely love people; everyone has impacted my life in a completely different way–either by opening my eyes to an area of my life that I’ve been blind to, by making me feel more alive, or simply by making me a better person. I’m the epitome of a social butterfly. In the end of it all, I just want to remain true to myself, to always act by “well-thought out principles rather than by blind reflex,” to stand back and objectively evaluate myself and where I’m going every once in a while, to not get so caught up in what everyone else wants or what someone else will think of me. I don’t want to allow myself to become so numb that I forget who I am and what I’ve worked so hard to become. I’m not here to really make any New Year’s resolutions, but I do want to work on myself, work on how I deal with things that bother me, and work on my relationships.
I’m going to promise myself right now that I will go to Vegas in 2 weeks with 3 of my best friends and have the time of my life. I will dance until my legs go numb. I will toast to being alive. I will not take things so seriously. I will laugh until my voice is hoarse. And then, I’ll start my very last semester of law school as a new person. Life is what you make it. No one and nothing is perfect, and each of us are a work in progress.